Feeling Overwhelmed After Having A Baby? Lets Look At The Mental Load Of Motherhood
You finally have a moment to sit down.
Your baby is asleep. The house is quiet. You should probably rest.
But instead, your mind starts going.
Do we have enough nappies? I need to book that appointment. What are we having for dinner? I haven't replied to that message. When am I going to wash my hair? Did I remember to put the washing on? We need to buy more formula. I really should organise a catch-up with Mum.
Even when your body is resting, your brain can feel like it is running a never-ending to-do list.
This is part of what is often described as the mental load of motherhood.
And if you've been feeling constantly overwhelmed since having a baby, it doesn't necessarily mean you're doing something wrong. You may simply be carrying more responsibility than one person can reasonably hold.
What is the mental load of motherhood?
The mental load is the invisible work involved in keeping everyday life running.
It isn't just the things you physically do. It is also the remembering, planning, organising, anticipating and decision-making that happens behind the scenes.
For example, the mental load isn't simply making your child's doctor's appointment.
It can involve:
Remembering that the appointment needs to be booked
Finding a suitable time
Checking your calendar
Working out how you'll get there and what time to leave
Remembering what you need to take
Putting the appointment in your calendar
Remembering to attend
Organising any follow up
The same thing happens with meals, childcare, birthdays, school, appointments, household tasks, family relationships and countless other parts of everyday life.
You might not be physically doing everything, but you may still be the person thinking about everything.
And that can be exhausting. Especially when you are adjusting to a new brain and identify – Hello matrescence!
Why does motherhood feel so mentally exhausting?
Becoming a mother involves an enormous transition.
Suddenly, another person's needs are woven into almost every part of your day. Your routines change. Your priorities shift. Your relationship may change. Your work may change. Your body changes. Your identity can change.
This transition is sometimes referred to as matrescence — the process of becoming a mother.
At the same time, you're often expected to keep everything else going.
You may be managing your baby's needs while also trying to maintain your relationship, your household, your friendships, your career and your own wellbeing.
There can also be a constant stream of decisions.
What should my baby eat?
When should they sleep?
Do they need another layer?
Should I book an appointment?
Is this behaviour normal?
When do I start childcare?
What happens when I go back to work?
Even seemingly small decisions can become tiring when you're making hundreds of them. Add sleep deprivation, reduced time for yourself and the pressure to be a “good mum”, and it's understandable that you may begin to feel overwhelmed.
Signs you might be carrying too much of the mental load
Mental overload doesn't always look like a dramatic breakdown.
Sometimes it looks like feeling irritated by small things. Sometimes it's struggling to make another decision.
You might notice that you:
Feel like you're constantly “on”
Struggle to switch off, even when you have the opportunity to rest
Are always thinking about what needs to happen next
Feel responsible for remembering everything
Become frustrated when other people ask you questions
Feel resentful that you have to ask for help
Put everyone else's needs before your own
Feel guilty when you take time for yourself
Have difficulty making decisions
Feel like you're falling behind no matter how much you do
Can't remember the last time you had genuine time to yourself
Why “just ask for help” isn't always enough
One of the most common pieces of advice given to overwhelmed mothers is:
“You just need to ask for help.”
But sometimes asking for help can create another mental task.
There is a difference between someone helping you with a task and someone taking responsibility for it.
For example:
“Can you help with dinner?” might still leave you responsible for deciding what you're eating, checking what ingredients you have, writing the shopping list and reminding someone what needs to be done.
Sharing the mental load might instead look like:
“Dinner is your responsibility tonight.” That means the other person takes ownership of the planning and the doing. This shift from helping to shared responsibility can make a significant difference. You don’t have to be the household project manager.
5 ways to reduce the mental load of motherhood
There isn't one perfect solution to reducing the mental load. What works for one family may not work for another. But there are some small changes that can help.
1. Get the mental load out of your head
If you're trying to remember everything, your brain is doing a huge amount of unnecessary work. Try using a shared calendar, notes app, whiteboard or task list to get things out of your head and somewhere visible. The goal isn't to create another complicated system. It's to stop your brain from having to constantly remember everything.
2. Share responsibility, not just tasks
Think about which areas of family life you are currently managing from beginning to end. Could someone else take complete ownership of some of these?
This might be meals, grocery shopping, bath time, appointments, weekend activities or organising family events. The goal isn't necessarily to divide everything 50/50.
It's about creating a system that feels manageable and sustainable for your family.
3. Lower the standard
Sometimes reducing the mental load means doing less. If your putting energy and effort into home cooked meals then the house doesn't need to be perfectly clean.
If your making sure the house is perfectly clean then dinner doesn't need to be elaborate. You don't need to respond to every message immediately.
Your child's birthday doesn't need to look like something from Pinterest.
4. Protect time that is genuinely yours
Self-care can easily become another thing on the to-do list. Instead of asking yourself what you should be doing for self-care, think about what genuinely helps you feel more like yourself. Maybe it's going for a walk, reading, seeing a friend, sitting alone with a coffee or simply having 30 minutes where nobody needs anything from you.
5. Look at the bigger picture
Sometimes the answer isn't another productivity strategy.
If you're constantly overwhelmed, it may be worth looking at the bigger picture.
How are your routines working?
What demands are taking the most energy?
Where are you spending your time?
What responsibilities are you carrying?
What support do you have?
What expectations are you placing on yourself?
And what could realistically change?
This is one of the areas where occupational therapy can be particularly helpful.
How can occupational therapy help with the mental load?
Mental health occupational therapy looks at the relationship between your wellbeing and your everyday life.
Rather than simply asking, “How are you feeling?”, an occupational therapist can also explore what your days actually look like.
This might include looking at:
Your daily routines
Your roles and responsibilities
Time and energy
Sleep and rest
Self-care
Parenting demands
Work and family balance
Your environment
Relationships and support networks
Activities that are important to you
Strategies that could make everyday life more manageable
The aim isn't to create the perfect routine or give you another list of things you should be doing. It's about finding practical ways to make your everyday life more sustainable and supportive of your mental health.
When should I seek support?
Feeling overwhelmed can be a normal part of adjusting to motherhood.
It may be worth speaking with your GP or a mental health professional if your feelings of overwhelm are persistent or are making it difficult to manage your everyday life.
You may also benefit from additional support if you're experiencing ongoing anxiety, low mood, irritability, withdrawal from things you normally enjoy, difficulty functioning or feelings that are becoming difficult to manage.
Its ok to for two opposing ideas and feelings to exist at once.
Motherhood can be full of love and still feel incredibly hard.
You can love your baby and feel overwhelmed.
You can be grateful for your family and still need more support.
You can want to be a good mother without needing to do everything yourself.
And you don't have to wait until you're completely burnt out before making a change.
“What can I take off my plate?”
If you're feeling overwhelmed by the mental load of motherhood, Ready to Rise provides mental health occupational therapy for women navigating pregnancy, postpartum and motherhood.
We can work together to understand what's making everyday life feel difficult and find strategies that fit your life, your family and your priorities.
If you feel like you need more support with navigating the mental load, we are here to help
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