I Love My Baby, But I Don't Like Being a Mum Right Now

If you've ever thought, "I love my baby, but I don't like being a mum," you're not alone. Two things can be true and you can hold space for that.

Maybe you love your baby more than you could have imagined.

And yet, you're exhausted.

You miss your old life. You miss having time to yourself. You miss being able to make plans without considering someone else's needs first. You might even find yourself counting down until bedtime, feeling relieved when someone else takes the baby, or wondering why everyone else seems to be enjoying motherhood more than you are.

Then the guilt arrives.

"What kind of mother thinks this?"

The answer is: a lot of mothers do.

Loving your baby and struggling with motherhood can exist at the same time.

Can you love your baby and not like being a mum?

Yes.

One of the hardest things about motherhood can be separating how you feel about your baby from how you feel about the experience of being a mother.

You can adore your baby and still dislike the constant demands of motherhood.

You can feel incredibly grateful and still feel exhausted.

You can feel deeply connected to your baby and still miss who you were before becoming a mum.

You can know that you wouldn't change your child for anything while also wishing you could have a break from being needed all the time.

These feelings don't make you a bad mother.

Sometimes, when a mother says, "I don't like being a mum," what she really means is:

• "I don't like how exhausted I am."

• "I don't like feeling like I have no time for myself."

• "I don't recognise myself anymore."

• "I miss my independence."

• "I feel lonely."

• "I don't enjoy my days anymore."

• "I feel like I'm constantly needed."

• "I thought motherhood would feel different."

• "I don't know who I am outside of being a mum."

  
  

And sometimes, saying it out loud for the first time can be a relief.

Why does motherhood feel so hard?

Becoming a parent changes almost every part of everyday life.

Your routines change. Your relationships change. Your responsibilities change. Your body changes. Your priorities change. Your sleep can change dramatically.

And somewhere amongst all of that, you are also trying to work out who you are now.

This transition is called matrescence.

What is matrescence?

Matrescence describes the physical, psychological, emotional and social transition of becoming a mother. We often talk about pregnancy and birth as major life events, but much less attention is given to what happens afterwards. You haven't simply added "mum" to your list of roles.

Your identity, relationships, routines, expectations and sense of self can all shift.

You might find yourself thinking:

Who am I now?

What happened to the person I was before?

Will I ever feel like myself again?

What am I supposed to wear now?

These questions don't mean you don't love your baby. They can be part of adjusting to a completely new chapter of life.

You might not hate motherhood — you might hate how you're feeling

Sometimes the statement "I don't like being a mum" is a sign that something underneath it needs attention.

You might be overwhelmed by the mental load of constantly remembering what needs to happen next.

You might be exhausted from broken sleep.

You might miss having uninterrupted time to think.

You might feel like your body doesn't belong to you anymore.

You might be lonely, even when you're rarely physically alone.

You might be struggling with changes in your relationship.

You might have stopped doing the things that used to make you feel like yourself.

Or you might simply have had very little opportunity to recover, rest and adjust to everything that has changed.

When every day is organised around feeding, sleeping, washing, appointments, meals, nappies, work and someone else's needs, it can become difficult to remember what your needs even are.

"I don't enjoy motherhood" doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with you

There can be enormous pressure on mothers to feel grateful.

You're told these are precious years.

You're told to enjoy every moment because it goes so quickly.

You're told that motherhood is the most rewarding thing you'll ever do.

And while motherhood can absolutely be meaningful and rewarding, it can also be boring, repetitive, isolating, frustrating and exhausting.

You don't have to enjoy every part of it.

You don't have to feel grateful every minute.

And you don't have to pretend that you're finding it easy.

Sometimes the most helpful thing is to stop asking:

"Why don't I enjoy motherhood?"

and instead ask:

"What is making motherhood so difficult for me right now?"

That question can open up a much more useful conversation.

When does struggling with motherhood become a mental health concern?

Finding motherhood difficult doesn't automatically mean you have postnatal depression or anxiety.

But sometimes persistent feelings of overwhelm, sadness, anxiety or disconnection can be signs that you need more support.

It may be worth talking to a health professional if you're experiencing things such as:

• persistent sadness or low mood

• ongoing anxiety or fear

• feeling hopeless or worthless

• intense guilt about being a mother

• losing interest in things you usually enjoy

• feeling disconnected from yourself or your baby

• feeling constantly overwhelmed or unable to cope

• significant changes in your sleep or appetite beyond what you'd expect from caring for a baby

• distressing or intrusive thoughts

• feeling that things aren't getting better, even with rest or support

  
  

You don't need to wait until things become unbearable before asking for help.

And asking for help doesn't mean you've failed.

How can a Perinatal Mental Health Occupational Therapist help?

When you're struggling with motherhood, it can be tempting to think the answer is simply to "look after yourself more."

But self-care can feel almost impossible when you're already overwhelmed.

This is where occupational therapy can be helpful.

A mental health occupational therapist looks at how your mental health is affecting your everyday life — and how your everyday life may be affecting your mental health.

Together, you might explore:

• your daily routines and where things are becoming overwhelming

• opportunities for genuine rest and recovery

• the mental load you're carrying

• activities you've stopped doing since becoming a mum

• changes in your identity and sense of self

• relationships and your support network

• expectations you're placing on yourself

• ways to make everyday tasks more manageable

• finding time for activities that are meaningful to you

• practical strategies to support your mental health

The goal isn't to turn you into a mother who loves every minute of motherhood.

It's about helping you build a life that feels more manageable, meaningful and like yours again.

You can love your baby and still miss your old life

One of the most uncomfortable truths about becoming a mother is that you can love what you've gained while grieving what you've lost.

You might miss your freedom.

You might miss spontaneous plans.

You might miss your career, friendships, hobbies or relationships.

You might miss the person you were before you became a mum.

That grief doesn't mean you regret your baby.

It means you've experienced a huge life transition.

There can be room for both.

You can love your baby and miss your old life.

You can be grateful and exhausted.

You can feel connected to your baby and disconnected from yourself.

You can love being a mother sometimes and really struggle with it at other times.

None of these experiences make you a bad mum.

You don't have to love every part of motherhood

If you've been quietly thinking, "I love my baby, but I don't like being a mum right now," you don't need to feel ashamed of that thought.

You might simply be struggling with a part of motherhood that is asking more of you than you currently have to give.

Or you might be experiencing symptoms of a perinatal mental health condition that deserve proper support.

Either way, you don't have to figure it out alone.

At Ready to Rise, I provide perinatal mental health occupational therapy for women who are navigating the emotional, practical and identity changes that can come with pregnancy and motherhood.

Sometimes support starts with simply having somewhere you can say the things you're afraid to say out loud.

You don't have to wait until you're falling apart to ask for help.

[Book a free discovery call with Ready to Rise]

If you need support

If you're concerned about your mental health during pregnancy or after having a baby, speak with your GP, midwife, maternal and child health nurse or another trusted health professional.

If you're experiencing thoughts of harming yourself or someone else, seek urgent professional help.